Wildest dreams

When I look straight into the stratosphere I know that I'm just a creature. I'm not the Creator.

Which means I can't know everything. Can't know what's going to happen.

And I can't even trust my intuition right now.

I have this feeling like I'm going to throw up. It's one of those anticipation things. One of those things I get sometimes when I've studied for an exam, but there's still time before the exam date. And I would just give anything for it to be over with, to have it done and not have this nauseous anticipation feeling.

I know what I wish would happen.

That's not the hard part. The hard part is wondering whether or not what I want is the same as what He wants. I'm not sure how to pray anymore, because. . .is "Not my will, but Yours be done," being humble, or is it a lack of faith??

He's had to take me aside and give me a stern talking to when I pray that way, when He knows that it's because I'm afraid that His will is always the thing I don't like. I wince when I pray it. I have my eyes closed and I know I'm going to get a spoon of something in my mouth, but I have this horrible feeling that it's going to be brussel sprouts. He's had to explain to me before that no, it's not always brussel sprouts - His will is actually good. And He doesn't want me to be afraid like that.

And so part of me is screaming out for the thing that seems so good, so right, so perfect - and I've never wanted something so much. But part of me is terrified of having my wildest dreams come true. It's like looking at your lottery ticket, and seeing it match up with the winning number. And right now it feels like going to the place to claim your prize, and there’s some small print, some complication that makes it so that you can’t get your prize. And you’re frustrated and angry beyond belief, but at the same time you’re relieved because it means nothing is out of the ordinary anymore. And something inside you says, “I told you. I told it you was too good to be true.”

But should I let myself be alive and just dream?

I think it's one of those things where you leap into a mosh pit, and all you can do is hope that people will catch you and you'll crowd surf, and it'll be alright.

It's a vulnerability thing. It takes a lot of vulnerability to dream, and to trust God with those dreams. Because if you get your hopes up, there's the potential to get hurt where it hurts most. But if you don't get your hopes up at all, you don't get hurt. You get that "I figured as much," voice, and things go on the way they were before.

But that would be complacent mediocrity, which is in my opinion a worthless existence.